Stupid

So as you may know from reading my previous posts...I really dislike criminals...I MEAN REALLY DISLIKE. Well, here are some criminals that are about as stupid as they come...please enjoy.
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. *MMMMM, bet that tasted good...nothing like eating SHIT. Serves him right.*

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. *I actually heard one like this only the criminal misdialed a number and got a cop instead of the person he was TRYING TO SELL DRUGS TOO. So the cop just agreed and busted him when they met...HE HE HE.*

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind. *Well, he didn't get his money's worth*

Oklahoma City -Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence. *Open mouth insert foot...you better put something in your mouth b/c once you get to jail you foot will be the BEST THING in your mouth.*

R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri. *Nothing like handcuffing yourself and placing yourself in the backseat of the cop car.*

A man in Bartlesville, Oklahoma, learned the hard way that giving a cop a “wet willie” after his arrest on October 4 was a bad idea.
Court records state that the man, identified as 38-year-old Louis Carlos Perales, had another assault-and-battery-on-a-police-officer charge added to his rap sheet after he put his finger in his mouth and then into an officer’s ear.
Perales was already under arrest for threats to kill and public intoxication at the time of the incident.
According to police, officers were called out to a residence on the 200 block of N.W. Mistletoe in reference to a domestic assault. Officers were told that the suspect was not currently at the residence but was on his way there.
Officers saw Perales exit a white SUV and “immediately started crowding” an officer. The report indicates that Perales was “loud, belligerent, and uttering a steady stream of profanity towards his wife.” Police allege that Perales told his wife “You better be gone when I get out because I’m going to kill you,” in Spanish.
Perales’ wife told police that problems started when her husband was drinking at a party in Caney, Kansas. He reportedly began threatening other party guests before going into a rage, pulling her hair and tossing her around. She said that she left Perales at the party. When she found out that another family member was bringing him home, she called the cops.
Perales’ bail was set at $10,000. *Oh, this is one of my favorites...not only is he stupid, but he is about as childish as they come...try giving a big inmate a "wet willy" see how that works for you.*

Chicago: A man was wanted for throwing bricks through jewelry store windows and making off with the loot. He was arrested last night after throwing a brick into a Plexiglas window...the brick bounced back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold until the police got there. *That is almost as good as people trying to walk thru big glass windows.*

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. *Oh for FUCK SAKE. Stupid judge.*

An off-duty police officer in Newark, NJ, had a pistol-shaped cigarette lighter, which he had been using all night while drinking at a local tavern. After many hours and drinks, he apparently mistook his 32 revolver for the lighter. When he went to light his cigarette, he shot and killed John Fazzola, who was seated 5 stools away at the bar... *Throw the book at him for not looking before he leaps.*

Lake City, Florida: Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in. *Give me your money or I will cut your...on shit, do you have an extention cord?*

Levelland, Texas: E.C. Stewart, Jr. may never get out of jail after the District Attorney recommended last week that his bail be set at "a zillion dollars". The judge agreed. *Yes, I can get out for "a zillion dollars"...wait, um, can I try again?*

Dumb Criminal in Omaha, NE (Sent in by Anna...Thanks Anna!). I was flagged down by a citizen whose vehicle had stalled at an intersection. If he would not have flagged me down, I would not have noticed his vehicle was stalled. He asked me to order a tow truck for him because his cell phone was not working. When asked for his name (Jonathan), he couldn't spell it correctly. And because he did not have any form of identification on him, I became a little suspicious. I asked him if I could look inside his vehicle, he joyfully said yes. When he stood up, he dropped a baggy containing 3 grams of cocaine from his lap. When I searched him, he had an additional 14.5 grams of rock cocaine, 5 grams of marijuana and 2 marijuana pipes in his shorts pocket. I eventually found out his real name was "Craig" and he had a felony and a misdemeanor warrant on file, hence the alias "Jonathan". Of course, I ordered the tow truck for him! *Yeah, Nebraska...we breed 'em smrt too...te he*

Oh the list goes on and on and no worries, I will add to it as I find some more awesomely stupid criminals...just stay tuned.

Black Bean Couscous

I bet you are wondering what the heck this blog can be about with a name like that...well, the blog has nothing to do with the title, I just needed something different. Anywho...
*I went shopping last night for a few things and stopped at Sears to get a new pair of tennis shoes since it is starting to get cold and my tootsies don't like the cold when I wear my flip-flops. I found a pair that I LOVED. There were 2 employees standing less than 5 feet away however they managed to completely ignore me. So, since I have "midget feet" or so some call them...and I wear a size 7, I just tried on the display shoe. Sure enough it fit like cinderella's slipper. Finally, one of the employees came over and asked if I needed anything.
N: Yeah, I want these in size 7.
DA (dumbass): Ok *Goes to back room for a couple minutes, then other employee heads back that way. Comes out with shoe I gave him from display.*
DA: We only have one pair left.
N: Ok, I want them.
DA: *Starts to take shoe out of box*
N: I don't need to try them on, I already did while you were over there talking and not paying attention to your customers.
DA: Oh.
*Go to cash register...my favorite part of the story*
DA: *rings up my shoes* Total is $51.35.
N: *hand him 3-$20's and 2-$1's...$62*
DA: *Dumbfounded stupid ass blank confused look on his face*
N: I gave you $62 right?
DA: Yeah but it is only $51.35
N: Yeah I understand but I gave you that much b/c then I will get a $10 and some change back instead of $1's.
DA: Oh, so that is the way you wanted it then.
* Honestly...don't you learn to count change at age 8...does that mean that he didn't pass like 3rd grade. Ugh, use your f***ing brain stupid*

*This morning on the radio they were having a discussion about high school students smoking during school outside. One lady called in on her 'smoke break' and said that she thought students should be able to smoke outside during school b/c there was nothing wrong with it and they weren't hurting anyone. Now, I don't care what students do on their own time, before school, after school, or during lunch but I am not OK with my tax $'s paying for the teachers and students wasting their time by doing something else...no matter what it is. Anyway, that isn't the point of this part. The lady continued to say that smoking wasn't bad for you...it causes cancer but whatever. She followed that by saying students should be allowed 15 minute breaks during school to smoke b/c it calms them and helps them concentrate JUST LIKE A HEALTHY BREAKFAST. WTF???? Calming them I can understand but HOW THE HELL can you compare smoking to a HEALTHY breakfast. There in nothing healthy about smoking...I give this woman the FUCKING STUPID QUOTE AND LOGIC OF THE YEAR. So, I don't care if you smoke, your life do what you want. Just don't waste my tax dollars and don't compare it to HEALTHY anything.

Oh what a morning (cont)

This is a continuation blog from last night. So, I got ready for work and woke the baby up to feed her so she goes back to sleep for the sitter. Woke B up...only took 3 tries to tell him that we needed to go get his car.
R: Get up, we need to get your car so I can go to work.
B: No, its good I'll stay here.
R: You have to work at 8 so you can't...get up.
B: Ok.
*walk outside, put baby in car seat, B hands me his keys and wallet
R: What are you doing? I those are your keys.
B: I know, this is your car.
R: Yeah and your keys aren't going to work in my car. Get in the car.
B: Ok
R: So, where do I need to go to get to your car.
B: Down south (he lives on the south side of town).
R: No, you drove to the game yesterday so you car is downtown...where at.
B: South.
R: No, downtown...where at???
B: Downtown. 12th and N.
*Drive to 12th and N and drop him off.
R: Call when you find your car.
B: Okay, thank you bye.
*Drive 5 blocks away and phone rings.
R: Hello?
B: This is the wrong garage.
R: So you need me to come pick you up?
B: Yes please.
*Go back and pick him up...sit and wait for him only for him to exit the wrong part of the garage and end up 3 blocks away.
R: So, where the hell did you park?
B: Well, Jeff and I walked to it from the bars b/c he needed deoderant b/c he puked on himself and the bar. I think it is over there.
*Drive thru 3 FUCKING PARKING GARAGES and finally find the fucking car.
*B says sorry about 600 times and I finally just stop talking to him b/c I am so pissed (I still have to drop olivia off at the sitter and get to work so I am gonig to be late.)
*Find his car but he doesn't have any cash to get out of the garage so I give him cash and he tries to give me his ATM card.
*Needless to say I was only 7 minutes late.
*I don't understand how you can't remember where your car is but whatever.
*He parked it there b/c it was the parking garage that we park in when we go to the movies so he thought he would remember (AFL)
*He hates elevators b/c they are slow and he doens't like to wait (Ellie's mommie)(but he was too lazy to take the stairs)
*Why do you want more pics of my tummy? (Dyck)

Oh what a night. (LONG)

As some of you may know, today was a Husker game and my boyfriend just happened to be lucky enough to get tickets. That could only mean one thing...up at 8 to start drinking, stop when the bars kick everyone out. No big deal, I am not his mommy, he is a big boy and can take care of himself right???? WRONG!! I get a call at 12:50, I'm guessing right after last call. The conversation goes something like this.
R: Hi, how are you feeling?
B(boyfriend)(slurring): Great you?
R: Not as good as you apparently.
B: Where is my car? I can't find my car.
R: Where did you park.
B: Right where I am standing, someone stole my car.
R: Uh.
B: Do you still have my password to order pizza saved on your computer?
R: Don't know let me check.
*Checking...nopers.
R: No, the password isn't saved.
B: Order me a pizza.
R: What do you want.
B: Order me a pizza from online.
R: I don't know your password.
(He tells me but I can't understand b/c of him slurring)
B: Oh, if everything works out okay I am staying the night at your house.
R: Okay, thats fine, better than you driving home.
B: Did you order my pizza? Where is my car? I hate elevators.
R: What kind of pizza do you want?
B: Pepperoni.
R: K.
B: But get half hambuger for you.
R: I'm not hungry.
B: Get a half and half and make it a large.
R: Ok I'll get you a pizza.
B: I'll call you back.
*2 minutes later and pizza ordered.*
B: I can't find my car can you drive down O to pick me up.
R: Well hold on, I got to load Olivia up.
B: Just grab her real quick.
R: Ok, where are you at?
B: Looking for my car.
R: I know...where at?
B: Are you looking for my car too?
R: Ugh, no you just asked me to come pick you up where are you?
B: On, 10th and N no 14th and N.
*5 minutes later after trying to figure out where he is, him telling me he is going to lay in the middle of the street to wait for me, gets talked to by a cop b/c you can't lay in the middle of the street, random guy comes over to help him get out of the middle of the street*
B: I see you.
R: Ok, well I don't see you so I'll park and you can walk over here.
B: No back up and come pick me up.
*He's walking down the middle of the fuckin street.*
*Gets in the car, rolls down window, passes out, wakes up, asks why I haven't turned, slouches over...me hoping that he doesn't puke in the car...yuck.*
*Get home and walk around to take Olivia out of the car seat*
B: You have her in the car?
R: No, I left he in the apartment by herself.
B: Oh, well I pry would have b/c I am a bad parent. (He is really a great parent just a horrible drunk)
*Go inside and get him water and tell him if he needs to puke he better make it to the bathroom*
*Pizza comes*
*Go to get more water and a plate for the pizza, turn around as he sprints to the bathroom and proceeds to puke for at least 20 or 30 minutes. I take him the water and he pukes some more*
*Finally comes out, lays down on couch.*
R: Want me to put your pizza in the fridge?
B: No.
R: Well your not going to eat it right now are you?
B: Yeah I am.
R: Ok, oh and you better be ready to get up by 3 b/c I have to be at work by 4.
B: Ok, no problem.
*He passes out on the couch snoring*
*He didn't even eat any FUCKING pizza that he was throwing such a big fit about.*
*I decide to stay up all night b/c it does me no good to get 1 hr of sleep.*
So here I am...AND OH BOY DOES HE OWE ME!!!

Here and there

This is a blog of random stuff so just deal with my jumping from one story to the next.
Today my parents put Tiger to sleep. I have had my tiger cat since I was 4ish that would make him 17. He used to take baths with me in the tube, drool on my face when I was sleeping and bring my HUGE frogs, mice, birds, and bugs to my bed as 'presents'. Anyone who says pets aren't family is FULL OF SHIT. So I just wanted to say that he will be missed.
The conversation of the day goes as follows...
R (me): This is where we get the 'Market Pantry rice crispy bars.
J (co-worker): What do we use those for?
R: They go at the bottom of our turkey combo sandwiches.
J: (looking confused) Doesn't that taste funny?
R: You don't put the bar on the sandwich, it gets wrapped with the sandwich to be eated as dessert.
*As I slam my head into the shelves thinking did she really just ask that*
Event of the day...Olivia got her shots today and I am not sure who hurt more her or I. She has slept most of the day but when she wakes up she SCREAMS as if saying MAKE ME A BOTTLE NOW BITCH YOU LET THEM DO THIS TO ME NOW YOU WILL PAY. Poor little girl.
Lesson of the day...Don't dress nice!!!
Let me set the scene. I NEVER get to dress nice, it is either work cloths or comfy cloths b/c I have nowhere to go. For some reason I decided that I would dress kinda nice today. So, I put on my favorite pair of lowrise jeans, my tan and pink heeled sandals and a cute little pink polo with a V-cut neck line. So nothing great but I was happy with how I looked. After Olivia's shots I came home and parked my car in my parking spot behind my apartments. I open my door and notice a black man (Note: I have nothing against black people so don't think I am racist) approaching me. He reachs out his hand to shake my hand
M (man): Hi, my name is (I don't remember...oops)...
R (me): I'm Noelle.
M: I just moved here and I have a question. What is the neighborhood like?
R: Not too bad, I am usually in my apartment or not around at all so I am not real sure.
M: Okay, tell me something else, are you single?
R: No.
M: That's cool that's cool I respect that.
R: Umm, Okay.
*the man is now talking on his cell phone.
M: Sorry, I was just talking to the new neighbor Noelle.
P (person on phone): blah blah blah
M: No she is...
*I step out of the car.
M: ...HOLY SHIT she has a body on her.
*apparently he didn't see the car seat.
P: blah blah blah.
M: No, you don't understand she has a body that won't quit.
*I walk around the car and take Olivia out of her car seat.
M: You got a new baby?
R: Yep, 6 weeks old.
M: You just had a baby?
R: Yes.
M: Damn dude (talking on the phone) she just had a baby. She has a smokin body for just having a baby.
M: You really just had a baby?
R: Yes 6 weeks again.
*Walk inside as fast as possible.
So, my only question what was my 'body not quitting?'
Please let me know if you have any ideas...I am baffled.

What's happened???

As I am sure my loyal readers have noticed I have been MIA for a few months now. It has been brought to my attention that people are getting to my site by searching for 'crotch something' and that apparently people are missing me. So, I have come back from the 'other world' and here I am. DID YA MISS ME?????
So, what have I been up to you may be asking yourself. Well, let me tell you. About 10 months ago Mighty D made a little trip to Lincoln to come and visit me, however he was quite intoxicated so pry doesn't remember it. You may remember the infamous 'Ode to Randomness' yes, that was not his fantisy, that is what really happened that night. That will teach me to get wasted again.
One thing led to another and TA DA...
You guessed it, after he left I was so depressed that I ate and ate and ate. I ate b/c I missed him and I missed him b/c I ate and he has a thing against 'fat chicks'. I keep thinking back to that night and regretting it. Apparently the only way that I can win back Mighty D's love is lots of BJ's...well, if I would have just stuck the the damn BJ's that night I wouldn't have ended up KNOCKED UP! Ok, you got me, that picture isn't of me fat b/c I overate, that is me 9 months pregnant and going to the lake. So, basically, I have spent the last few months getting everything ready for my little bundle of joy and PRAYING that she wasn't going to come out looking like Mighty D. There was no way I could look at my baby and see him everyday. That would just remind me of that night and how much I missed it.
I switched jobs and now work at Super Target. Yeah, I am pretty amazing there. I work in Deli, Bakery, Food Avenue, and Front End. I am an all around kind of girl. I have moved to another apartment. I wasn't sure if Mighty D remembered where I lived and I don't want another 'episode' to happen if he gets drunk and decides to road trip to lincoln.
After getting everything needed for the new arrival, I went to the hospital on August 12 at 5am (damn is that early). At 1:04 Olivia Noelle (yes I am full of myself and named her after me...just like crazy cousin I guess). She was 7lbs and 20 inches.
I have since began to work my ass off to get back my girlish figure. Ok, so I haven't done a damn thing and this is a week after she was born.


Yes, I am kinda conceded but I am proud of myself for looking like this after having a baby. So, between feeding, diaper changing, bathing, burping, rocking, talking, swinging, cleaning, work, school, and my new boyfriend (yes mighty D, I have a new boyfriend I had to find someone to get over you but I think it is impossible...I will always remember that night and I have our 'love child' as a result.) I will beging blogging again. And trust me, you will soon all realize what you have been missing.

I'M BAAAACK

Just letting everyone know that I am back. I have to work a horrible schedule this weekend so you won't get the joy of hearing why I was MIA until pry Monday. Stay tuned for the update, you won't want to miss it.
(Yes, I mean you Mighty D)

What I've been up to

Yes, I understand that I have been MIA for the last few days. Well, excuse me for having a life. HA, just kidding I have no life but I like to think I do. Really, I was a POW and it will pry continue for the rest of the week but I will explain that later in this blog. First, I am going to go thru all the reasons AFL thought I have been MIA and explain them.
1. "I shacked up with the Security Guard again." Actually, I have no idea where this said security guard has gone. I haven't seen him for about...hmmm...well since the last time I talked about him. Maybe he was taken back to Mexico where he belongs. (Shit did I just say that outloud? Damn it now I am going to HELL!)
2. "Mighty D made it to Lincoln." Well, he may have but since I know nothing about what he looks like, age, nothing...he could have been any of the worthless creeps that were honking at me today while I was on my damn walk. I don't go on these walks looking good. I go looking like shit. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HONKING AT ME. No you don't need to take a triple take, keep your eyes on the road. If you wreck don't expect we to give you mouth to mouth so watch where you are going.
3. "I've fallen and I can't get up" Actually, I did "biff" it at work on Monday so I am a little banged up but I can still walk. That one goes out the window...NEXT.
4. "I'm crawling around on the floor looking for my sippy cup." Shit, after this week I am going to need about 3000 sippy cups.
5. "I found the short short boy on the walking trail and duct taped his weenie, but accidently tapped myself to his crotch and are being drug all over the walking path."
I wish I would have seen him today that would have been a highlight. However, if I would have taped myself to his crotch...he has a mighty strong crotch, he must do crotch exercises. And if he would have just drug me around instead of helping me, I would have given him the "Loretta Bobet" treatment and CUT HIS LITTLE PECKER OFF!
6. "I'm washing out condoms I found on the trails." I went back to look for them today but I think that the rains washed them into the "shit" creek. I couldn't find them. The tampon survived but the condoms didn't. Underlying meaning...women are stronger then men. Sorry guys that is just the way it is...it is the rules.
7. "I'm trolling." Well, I wasn't kidnapped by them thank god, but I have seen them everyday this week. It was like x-mas for them this week, they always get 2 slices of yellow american cheese, but it was on sale this week so they have gotten 4 slices everyday. Yippy for them. I have seen one of them crying 2 of the 4 days this week. Why you ask? HELL IF I KNOW, I don't ask them questions because I am afraid that if they talk I will die of the stinch of their breath. Seeing them so much this week has made me start to try to figure them out. I got one question answered. The reason that they always come in every day is because they don't have a fridge therefore they can only buy enough parishable food for one day becuase they have nowhere to keep it. DAMN I AM GOOD!
8. "I'm playing hide and seek with myself and can't find myself." There are actually some pretty good places to hide so I was testing them out for the next time that I do play hide and seek. Then I pretended to be other people who couldn't find me. After sitting alone, soaked from the rain, cold and hungry I decided that I would never play with the people I was pretending to be becuase I wouldn't be patient enough to wait for their stupid asses to find me. I then came home and ate some ice cream.
9. "I got lost geocaching" Actually this is possible. Sometimes you forget to mark where the car is parked and spend more time looking for the car than you did looking for the fucking cache. Shit happens when you are a dumbass I guess.
10. "I don't love her anymore." Ok, she knows that I still love her an always will so that one is for sure out the window.

Now, here is where I have really been. We will start with Sunday so you get a background.
Sunday: At work, I took an order to cater for 50 people about $400 or so. It is set for this coming Sunday. No biggy, I will have to work to get everything ready for it and deliver it becuase Barb and I are the only ones in our department allowed to drive the new van. However, the schedule has already been made so my 1 extra hour is already going to be used up before the week even starts. *I only get 40 hours a week before overtime and if you get overtime, you get shot on the spot.*
Monday: I get order ready for our paper products and ask Barb to place food order b/c she has the inventory list. I then take an order for 260 pieces of chicken and some side fixings. About $600 for Tuesday at 1130 am. I then run around like a chicken with my head cut off to find some stuff that was stollen that we need to finish inventory. I realize invoices have been eaten by goats and I spend 45 minutes cusing at these fucking goats. Barb comes in and realizes that she forgot to place her part of the order. Do that real quick and start to get stuff ready for Tuesday's catering.
Tuesday: I come in at 7am to help with the catering, we fry chicken for 4 hours non-stop. It is supposed to be my day off and I am now stressing...only 2 days into this weeks schedule...about not getting overtime. Yippy that means I get one day off this week. How great.
Wednsday: I come to work as usual, get everything done. Amanda and I rock when we work together even though we take our time doing everything. We have a meeting and the only thing I can focus on is this red blob that seems to be growing out of the inner corner of one of my co-workers eye. *Gag* No worries, I didn't really need to listen b/c I am the assistant damn it. Went to another store to get some popcorn for our store and talked with our old store director...man I miss him. Go back to our store to whiny old crow.
Thursday: I get a call at 10am. Barb asks if I can come in so she can place an order. Wonder to myself why person there with Barb can't work alone for 15 minutes like usual but brush it off. Go to work only to find out that other person got hit by a driver who ran a stoplight. The other driver then drove away. Why? My guess is because they were an illegal alien who had no driver's license, car license (no plates), no insurance and would have been shipped back to mexico where he belongs. Co-worker=F-ed up car and a strained muscle in neck because she is too stupid to wear her damn seatbelt.
So, there fore I have been MIA because I have been a POW. A Prisoner of WORK. Yep, everyday this damn week is when I will be working so when I am not at work I am trying to catch up on things that I didn't get done when I usually do b/c I don't have that free time this week. FUCK WORK!

"L" is for labia (he he he)

Large Lively Lady Librarian Lugs Lusty Luggage
Long Legged Lookers Leave Lacy Lingerie
Live Laugh Love Lemonaide
Lucky Life Learns Lessons Leaving Lies
Light Lingers Lonely Lake
Lord leads Leather Limosean Lamely Left
Little Lovely Lunch Leaves Licking Lips Locked
Low Level Land Lets Lazers List Logs

G is for gangrene

Great Green Globs Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts
Gorgeous Gals Guzzling Gallons Great Grape
Gross Grey Geese Gawk Grandly Going Generally Germany
Goddamn Ghetto Grandma G-string Gag Geeze
Gynocologist Glanced Grotequly Genetic Genitals
Gay Glove Glue Girdle Garder Girlfriend Gossip
Giant Gnawing Gnomes gun Garlic Gastric Gases...Groan
Georgia Gym Game Gains Genius Gambling Gals Gabbing
Garage Gunk Gone Ga-ga
Google Good Ground Gravel Garbage Gail Gorge

Tornado report

If any of you have read my AFL's recent blog you have heard about the tornado in nebraska. Here is the article in the Lincoln Journal Star if you are interested. Please pray for all involved.

"C" is for Cookie

I have joined the game. AFL had "A", Ellie's Mom had "B", so I took "C". If you would like to join the fun go the AFL's website and check out the rules then leave a comment to let us know you are taking the next letter.

Creepy Crawly City Crocodiles Cross Cliffs Clumsily Carrying Cute Cuddly Caterpillars.

Chunky Cows Chew Chunky Cud Causing Colon Constipation.

Crazy Camping Candidates Carry Canoes Causouly
Comparing Costume Covered Criminal Children,
Cheap Cheating Chocolate Coffee covered condom characters,
Cursed Crusty Crappy Creatures Called Crabs.

Cleavage, Crack, Cunt

A walk to remember

Since it has FINALLY decided to get nice outside and stay that way for a while, I have started my walking workout plan. I am lucky enough to live about a block away from one of lincoln's bike/walking trails. Take note that these trails are amoung the best in the nation...no joke. I love walking these trail, they are nicely paved and there are many to choice from . On these walks, there are many things that you observe that you would normally miss if you to lazy to go for walks. Here are a few that I noticed today.
1. Only on these trails does everyone you walk by wave, smile, nod, or say "Hi". Some even try to get you to stop and chat. HELLO, can't you see I am workingout?? I have a goal and you are interferring with it! However, it is very nice when people actually act like human beings and have the courtisy to acknowledge you. Everywhere else in this damn city it is like you are in everyone's way. You piss everyone off and everyone pisses you off. "The bird" flies more in your car and the car that cut you off then it does in the air.
2. The only downside to trail I walk on is the horrible smelling creek that runs beside it. As long as you are upwind you have nothing to worry about. You can breath the normal city polluted air. However, if you are downwind, holy shit...be prepared to smell a combination of rotten eggs, dead fish, sewage, and foot sweat. Yep, that is close to what it smells like. Now I am from BFE so I can handle the smell of farms and the stagnant smell of rivers full of animal urine and feces (I actually love tubing down those nasty rivers but that is beside the point), but the smell of this creek can be over powering. Knock you on your ass overpowering. I wouldn't even touch this water with a 100 foot long stick in fear of getting some deadly disease from it.
3. I saw 2 caterpillers picking a very unopurtune time to cross the path. Right in front of me and since I am a good person, I stopped to let them cross. However, I wish that they would cross in their damn crosswalks after pushing the "walk" signal but I guess they haven't been trained in that yet.
4. I saw a couple snuggling down by the creek. About 5 feet from it actually. First...you can be seen by everyone so if you are planning on "doing it" I suggest moving to the other side of the bridge, the path doesn't go on that side. Also, I wouldn't roll around in that grass naked if my life depended on it. It has been soaked with that disgusting water from the creek, you may get something...and I don't mean the something that you already have gotten from that guy.
5. I was passed twice by a male runner. First thing I noticed...his shorts were shorter than mine. He must have taped his penis in order for it to not be flopping out from under these teeny tiny short. Ever stride he took I got a glimps of an ass cheek. Well, I guess I can be thankful that he was in shape and not some 400 pound man.
6. I later was passed my another male runner, this one however, I have no complains about. DAMN did he have a sex body and he wasn't wearing a shirt so he can run with me any day.
7. Under any bridge back home, there is graffiti written. You have to be pretty awesome in order to have something written about you under one of the bridges. And guess what...I made it. I have the priviledge of having something written about me under one of those bridges. Oh, I am so proud of that. Anyway, I walk under 4 bridges each time and there isn't shit to read under these bridges. Not fun at all. It saddens me that I have nothing to read when I walk under these bridges, I guess teens aren't as cool here as back home.
8. I saw 1 tampon...still in the wrapper THANK GAWD. *cringes at the thought of it being a used one* It was right in the middle of the trail.
9. Not too far away there were 2 condom wrappers, I am guessing maybe from the couple that were cuddling down by the creek.
10. Also, an empty birth control package. Ok, way would this be on a trail traveled by families??? Who knows.
11. There was a tumble weed that traveled at least 1/4 of a mile while staying completely on the trail. Take note that these trails aren't straight so the wind was having some fun today.
12. Finally, there was an old man sitting by the lake fishing. Well I think he was fishing anyway. He was holding a fishing pole but I don't think that he moved at all. Hopefully he was just taking a cat(fish) nap. (HA HA come on guys, laugh at my horrible pun).
* This is where I am going to add a point to my city creeps contest. If I have to work, then I don't get to go for a walk until sometime around 7ish. That is a good time for me to go for a walk simply b/c I usually walk for an hour and that gets me home before the sun sets. Last night I debated whether I wanted to go for a walk or not and finally decided at about 6:45 that I would for-go my walk. This was a great move on my part b/c at 7 there was a fight that broke out in the park about 10 feet off the trail. I would have been walking by this area at approximately 7. The fight escalated and shots were fired. No one was hit with the bullets but it is just crazy and scary to think that if I would have decided to be motivated last night I could have been right there. So I get a point and I think that gives me either 14 or 15.

Oooo, the things that annoy me (at work)

For the most part, I enjoy my job. There are customers that just make my day when they come in, however there are also those who royally PISS ME OFF. These assholes enjoy coming in early in the morning in order to screw my day from the start. Then if I start to get a little better, the TROLLS come in and make me want to rip my hair out.***
1. DO NOT come in at 6:30 and expect me to be cheerful when you ask me to special cut you some lunchmeat. WE DON'T OPEN TIL 7! Walk around and come back in 30 minutes.
2. DO NOT ask me to make an entire pot of decaf coffee. I will end up wasting over 40 cups because no one else besides you wants any. What the hell is the point of coffee with no CAFFINE??? And IF I make you the coffee BUY MORE THAN 12 FUCKING OUNCES.
3. DON'T make me open a new package of meat when I just opened one 10 minutes ago. The meat is not bad...I JUST OPENED IT. Be happy that I cut it special for you anyway.
4. Don't come to my department and ask me to slice a ham that you bought for the meat department. THEY WILL DO IT IF YOU ASK THEM TOO. It is taking my time and my departments hours for another department...yes it will piss me off. However, since I am such a great worker I will do it for you. BUT BITCH IF YOU ASK ME TO DO IT AGAIN AND YOU ONCE AGAIN DO NOT SAY THANK YOU I WILL NEVER EVER EVER DO IT FOR YOU FAT ASS AGAIN.
5. If there are 10 people at the hot case don't expect to be in and out in 10 seconds. The people in front of you will want everything just right. Take a deep breath and deal with it.
6. If you are a bitch to me...I will be a bitch to you! If you talk to me like I am a 2 year old...I will talk to you the same way. That is just how I am.
7. Do not turn into the trolls. Do not ask for 45 cents of mac and cheese. Don't ask if the mac and cheese is plain. IT IS THE SAME EVERY FUCKING DAY! Don't ask for me to open a new package of bologna so I can slice you a piece worth 25 cents I WON'T DO IT! Don't ask for beef and noodles but without the beef, I will not pick every piece of meat out for you. And finally (today's occurrance) you walk up to the case every day and when we ask you what you want you say you are just looking. You then come back later. DO NOT get pissed when we don't walk up to you right away, we know you are going to say you are looking and you will be back. Then when you do come back, don't sneak your skinny little smelly ass up to the counter and start yelling at me that you need help. I WILL YELL BACK.
T: HEY HEY I NEED YOU TO GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
N: YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU JUST WALKED UP AND I DIDN'T SEE YOU. YOU WEREN'T EVEN STANDING THERE FOR 5 SECONDS SO YOU CAN JUST HOLD ON UNTIL I FINISH WHAT I AM DOING AND NEVER TALK TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN OR I WILL NOT BE HELPING YOU!
T: Oh, okay.
8. Don't talk to me like I don't know what I am talking about. I AM THE FUCKING ASSISTANT MANAGER, YOU DON'T EVEN WORK HERE. I am pretty sure I know my deli a lot better than you do so shut the hell up.
9. Think about the question you are going to ask before you ask it. It will save you from looking like a complete dumbass and it will save me from wanting to scream WHAT THE HELL KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT???
10. To top off my day, I had to make a sign for "Tropical Days" a week long sale that we have going on. Making this sign left my hands looking like the care bears took a shit in my hands. I have every color of paing on them and it doesn't wash right off.
The list goes on and on but this is all that I have for right now. I will be adding as need be.

"Big city" creeps

My AFL and I decided that we are going to start keeping track of all the creeps in our towns, or at least the ones that make the new. We are going to keep score cards as well. If you want to join in on the score keeping, you just have to make sure that if you have the link to the story you add it and you add the old ones to the new ones.

*There are women who get pissed at their daughter for a bad soccer game and leave her on the side of I-80. Nice parenting bitch.
1 point

*We have IDIOTS who sell bongs and drug parafanilia and liquidation sales. Hey dumbass did you really think no cops would come to this??? HELLO!!
1 point

*How about a man that kills his 14-month old little girl and buries her in a shallow grave??? Yep got one of those too.
1 point

*1 guy was arrested for the fraternity fire at my college that killed one of my fellow classmates, he wasn't suspected of starting THIS fire however he was accused of arson. For this incident he was accused of hazing, illegal use and ownership of fireworks and drugs I believe. Don't quote me, you can read the link.
1 point

1. It has begun to get very nice outside and since "big city" has great bike paths, some of the best in the US (no joke) we start to get a lot of pervs out on the paths. Here is one to start off the spring right. http://journalstar.com/articles/2007/03/29/news/local/doc460bc132b7660675102652.txt
1 Point

2. This story is about an idiot so I will not give him a whole point but I think he gets a "stupid criminal" point. Basically, he tried to rob a gas station at gunpoint and when the worker told him that he wasn't getting any money, he stole a pop. Woopy. http://journalstar.com/articles/2007/03/29/news/local/doc460a6d0a15422433396581.txt
0.5 point

3. We had creepy people who just kill and leave bodies in lakes. http://journalstar.com/articles/2007/03/23/news/local/doc46040bcd21f35420838607.txt
1 point

4. We have guys who kill young girls for no reason and leave their remains in a ditch for oh say 11-12 years. But apparently this isn't his first rodeo. http://journalstar.com/articles/2007/03/23/news/local/doc4603df1fefbee437171429.txt
1 point

5. How about those losers that think it is fun to pick on grandma. Break into her house asking to use the bathroom then beating her up when she refuses to give you money until you leave the house and wait outside, only to get $16. http://www.kolnkgin.com/home/headlines/6764217.html
1 point

*B/c of my cousin and my afl I am adding a 1/2 point for the "stupid SAD" criminal and another point b/c I got the okay.

6. We have creeps who assault women then lock them in the trunk for 3 days. http://journalstar.com/articles/2007/03/30/news/local/doc460db0a124a4f021057647.txt
1 point

7. We have a man with 9 DUI's from '91-now including one that was 4 times the legal limit. http://journalstar.com/articles/2007/03/30/news/local/doc460daf0d9ece9466657895.txt
1 point

8. I don't know if this guy counts as a creep but he is a danger to us. He is a 17 year old who has been ticketed for manslaughter after his "reckless" driving caused a 15 year old passanger to die. And a day after the manslaughter ticket, he was caught driving on a suspended license. Does he WANT to kill another person b/c he is on the fast track to do that. http://www.journalstar.com/news/local/doc46142292d702e495830147.txt
2 point *1 for the creep and 1 for the idiot that married the creep*

9. We have maintance workers who sexually assault and strangle women. http://journalstar.com/articles/2007/04/05/news/local/doc46156cc9107bf678114577.txt
1 point

10. We have babysitters who let 1 year olds take blood pressure meds and OD on them (if you are ever looking for a babysitter don't look in lincoln.) http://journalstar.com/articles/2007/04/05/news/local/doc46156eed358ae074245114.txt
1 point

11. We have parents that don't feed their baby. Oh yeah and try to mess with his feeding tube while he is in the hospital. http://journalstar.com/articles/2007/04/05/news/local/doc46156eed358ae074245114.txt
1 point



So, I think for now I have 17 points for the "big city" but the numbers will grow i can guarantee it.

My Celebrity Look-alikes

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

My Celebrity Look-alikes

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

Aw, Who Needs 'em

After clocking out at work just in time to stop myself from starting my department on fire since everything else was going wrong, I stopped in the office to shoot the bull with my fellow management. I guess Eric was a little bored out of his gourd because he made a "splint" for his pinkie finger out of our store ad. He then stated that it wouldn't be the first time he couldn't use his pinkie and that he would be okay. This got my mind brewing like a piping pot of chili. Why do I even need a pinkie finger? I learned that apparently the pinkie finger has many different meanings in different countries, but I am not planning on traveling to any of these countries so I think I can stand to lose it if I had to choose. Here are the meanings for the pinkie finger in other cultures just in case you were wondering. Also in Japan, holding up a pinkie while speaking of two people signifies that they are in a relationship.
In China, if one holds up a little finger at another, it is usually considered vulgar, just as holding up a middle finger in the United States and other countries is generally regarded as offensive.
In India, holding up the little finger is also a signal of "katti" or a broken friendship, a sign that someone is angry, or a playful suggestion that the person flashing the pinky is not going to speak to you.
In India, holding up the pinky is a signal that the person has to urinate.
Similarly, in Indonesia, when a man points his pinky finger downward it is a signal that he needs to urinate.
In Turkey, it's tradition to link pinky fingers when two people are making a bet.
In Judaism, it is customary to extend one's arm and pinky finger to the Torah as it is lifted following its reading in the Synagogue.
The Iron Ring is a symbolic ring worn by some Canadian engineers. The Ring is a symbol of both pride and humility for the engineering profession, and is always worn on the little finger of the dominant hand. (A similar ritual is performed in the United States called the Order of the Engineer).
In the Balkans, a solitary long fingernail on the pinky finger of a man signifies that he is single.
The Alpha Kappa Alpha sorority holds their pinky finger in the air as a (Greek) greeting to their fellow sisters.
In Russia, when two people are French-kissing, it is customary to often link pinky fingers together.
In the United Kingdom, it used to be considered a social requirement to raise one's little finger whilst drinking a beverage out of a cup or mug. (http://www.answers.com/topic/pinky-finger)

Many people's pinky can't even bend by itself. It is reliant on the ring finger. It is like a little kid that depends on its parents to take him/her to the "potty" because they can't go alone. If your pinky bends so does your ring finger and visa versa. I do know there are some exceptions, I am just making a point.

You may say a pinky is needed for drinking fancy tea. Me personally, when I drink tea it had better be iced sun tea, none of this fancy shit, and I want to drink it out of a BIG glass not a little teacup that only holds 3 oz. What good does that do me? If you ask me, I think people who point their pinkies when drinking tea look like their hand has an erection from taking touching too much Viagra (yes, in this instance pretend it can go thru the skin...work with me here). Don't get me wrong, these are my opinions about the whole thing, you may have your own thoughts and feel free to voice them, but I can't guarantee that I will listen.

Oh how about pinky promises. That is why we need pinkies right? Remember when you and your BFF would pinky swear to do your hair the same for school the next day (for example). We all know that after 2nd grade pinky promises didn't mean shit. Unless you are one of these guys, my guess is they are pinky promising not to sleep with each others' girlfriends...like I said "after 2nd grade pinky promises don't mean a damn thing (game on is what they are really thinking) We wouldn't be missing anything if we never knew about pinky promises in the first place.

We don't need our pinkies to write, we don't need our pinkies to snap our fingers, not to cross our fingers. I just think that other fingers are more important. Obviously the thumb and index finger are the most important. They work as a team to pick up and grasp things.

Your thumb can also be used to say, "Hey Great Job!" or to give a movie "2 thumbs up". Some young people suck their thumbs for comfort...and some do it that are a little too old to be doing that. It is also great for saying, "Damn Mom, that's some GOOOD cake!"

Your index finger is great for pointing, for saying "I'm #1 BITCH!" without saying a word, and for helping to say, "Um, excuse me miss, but do you have any grey poupon?"

The middle finger is needed to show the ASSHOLE that just cut you off, your extreme displeasure just in case your horn doesn't work. Or, to tell the refs what you think of their call/teaching your 4 year old how to speak his mind without your wife "hearing" you do it.

If you ever get married or are married you need your left ring finger therefore as humans we have a dire need to look symmetrical. As a result you will also need your right ring finer. So if I had to lose a finger I would easily give up my pinkies, who needs them anyway!?

You're in my dreams

I have rather interesting dreams, I never know what they will be about or where the hell they come from but I have learned to deal with them. I dream, laugh, ponder about them. This morning I woke up from my dream at 6:29 (note my alarm was to go off at 6:31 and I was pissed I lost 2 minutes of sleep) anyway, this is what the dream was about.

Background:

K: my cousin who is expecting a bundle of "pain in the ass" I mean joy in about a month.

S: K's man who is the daddy dearest to bundle of joy.

FS (fuck stick): K's sperm can't swim, asshole, albino ex-husband.

*For part of this you will need to know that K and S are in no hurry to marry (I say rock on there) and you may need to read one of K's blogs. Now, onto the short dream.

I walk into a church and what to my wondering eyes should I see??? S standing at the front of the church near the alter. What the hell is going on I ask myself and make my way to the front of the church. I ask S what is going on and he tells me that him and K have decided to get married. Now let me tell you I am about as confused as a blind person in a round room. I know that K didn't want to rush into marriage but the best part so far is that I know K would never get married in a church, it just isn't her style. The chances of K getting married in a church are worse then my chances of winning the lottery and I don't even buy tickets. OK, I guess this is what she wants to do so I stand at the alter and wait. Things only get better from here on out. I now see K enter the church in a wedding dress. Not your normal wedding dress (take note she is very prego) but a dress that is this lovely shade of lime green. And what does the dress look like you may be asking yourself (and I kid you not, I can't believe that I found a pic that actually looked like the one in my dream only the wrong color) well...here it is.

Now that is what I call a looker. Just when I thought this dream couldn't get anymore odd, I now realized who was walking her down the isle to give her away. Why, it was FS...her freaking ex-husband. As I reached to the ground to pick up my jaw I heard one last thing to leave an impression of this dream in my mind. K said something to FS that went something like this. "Not only did I cheat at games but I just cheated on you there too." What the hell she was referring to...we may never know. I am sure you have your own ideas. So, when I dream about you I do it right...guess you just have to be special to be in my dream. Sweet dreams all.

Don't be a boob!

As I was reading other people's blogs, I began to get saddened b/c I couldn't think of a good thing to blog about. Thankfully, I was online with my AFL and crazy cousin. They helped me by telling me to blog about something I know well...sippy cups, shout it out, stalkers, or BOOBS. What did I choose? Boobs of course, because I do know them well, well, mine anyway. So here goes nothing. If you are a male, you should pretend to be a female to look at it from our prospective.

I remember when I was about 12 or 13 starting to get boobs. Yes, I am becoming a "women" (or so that is what my mom told me). I got to wear my first "training" bra. Did I really need to wear one? The answer is No, the bites on my arms for the family camp out where the mosquitoes thought I was an all you can eat buffet were bigger then my boobs. But damn I thought I was cool. Gym class was once a day and I now had to wear a sports bra. Hell I could have just used some band aide and that would have been all I needed, but I would much rather wear a sports bra. However, now that myself and my friends were all getting boobs, we couldn't let any of the other girls in the locker room see them. This is when we mastered the magic trick of taking off one bra, putting on a sports bra and changing shirts without even a little nipple being flashed.

(Yep, see how flat this manican is? That is how flat I was, but I sure as hell wasn't going to go without a bra...like it mattered)

After a year or two later (depending on if the first part started in 7th or 8th grade) I was in high school. Now I was at the point were I didn't give a shit if the other girls saw my boobs, they were in sports with me, we changed and showered in the same locker room everyday after practice. You can only hide your boobs for so long before you feel like being in your own pretend "Girl Gone Wild" show in the locker room. It started quite innocently but just comparing different "cool" bras.

Then, we get more used to one another...hell we are in a town of 500 people. We have known one another since we were on the nipple why are we being so prissy? Now, the real girls gone wild comes out. We are running around topless like me have not a care in the world. Did we care that there were huge wall length mirrors that allowed everyone to see into the locker room when the door was opened...HELL NO. Shit happens, life goes on.

Then, I began to find that my boobs were useful in holding stuff, or just good photo ops.
This was taken my senior year of high school. As you can see, my cleavage is now to the point that I can hold things in there...and my best friend thought it was a great time for a photo op. I am sure that somewhere there is a pic of me hold a beer there are well. I also have a picture...which I have come to the conclusion that someone has taken...of my friends and I with duct tape over our boobs that says CENSORED...and yes, for the record, duct tape on the boobs HURTS. But it was worth the picture. Speaking of tape...have any of you females forgotten your sports bra for a game and had to be taped? Take note that if you ever need to tape your boobs for any reason, don't ask my friends as I to do it, you will look like a mummy from the belly button to armpits, but it won't do a damn bit of good. If you need proof you can ask my friend "Nice Story Kayla".

My family has questioned where I got my "GIFT", if that is what you want to call it. My boobs once had names, however I can't seem to remember them...most likely because when I decided to name them I was 3 drinks over the "remember things" bar. However, they are big enough to have names, they have earned that. When your boobs get to the point that you can no longer buy bras at a normal place (IE. target, walmart, victoria secret) because they don't carry the size you require...each breast gets its own name. When they get to the point that you scoot your chair close to the desk so you can rest them there...they deserve to be acknowledged. An example of how they can be a pain besides in the back and shoulders would be what happened today, and what spawned this blog. I was attempting to reach the extension cord behind my computer desk however thanks to my boobs, I was about 3 inches short. I couldn't reach it, no matter how much I squished the little bastards they were just there. Yes, I can stand against a wall and they will touch the wall before my nose. No, I can't wear that because my boobs don't fit. No, I can't get that swimming suit because I have to get an XL top (and take it in around not in the cup) but I need and XS bottom...Oh, you don't sell it like that. The list goes on and on.Am I proud of them? You betcha!! Anytime I get a little alcohol in me, I have to take a booby pictures. I have some with just me...and I have even gotten my friends into the action even though they will not come close to trumping my size. (I am sorry to say that I can't post any examples b/c I have been grounded from AFL) I do not allow them to come out in the open too much. I am not like Paris Hilton and flash my "ta tas" for everyone to see. I know how to keep my (Hooter) "owls-as they were referred to by my friends in high school" in the cage. I also have a nickname from high school...that some still use to this day. Ready..."Big Boobs McGee", yep, that's me. But take note that I am A LA NATURAL...not fake ladies. I have however, found a way for now to end this on a good note...I hope. You see, I have this little problem called being stalked by the "coperotsi" as I like to call them. No, they don't take pictures of me or anything like that. But they do stalk me, I swear they do. In my 10-15minutes drive to work I bet I see at least 3 every day. Wherever I am, they are too. They seem to follow me but not pull me over...KNOCK ON WOOD! Anyway, I figure that my "gift" may be able to help me if I get pulled over.

Hello officer, I didn't know I was speeding. I am so sorry.

Can you let me off with a warning this one time...PLEASE. (Ooops, one of my owls flew the coop) Oh, I am so embarrassed, I am sorry sir. Like I was saying, can I please have a warning. You are such a nice cop.

This is a picture of a firefighter who was caught at a local park. He is one sexy bitch. This is what happens when you drink too much. However, he was kind of ready for a fire...he could just use the water balloons that he was using as breasts to put the first out. At least he used yellow balloons so they were closer to skin color.

Can you guess what this man was caught doing? You guessed it, he was putting on his costume to be the tin man in the local "Wizard of Oz" play. Ok, so maybe that isn't it. Second guess...he was spraying spray paint into a plastic bag and inhaling the fumes. At least he picked a color that makes him look like he just has an oldman gray mustache and beard.

This woman was pulled over for drunk driving...no biggy but check out that hair. How the hell do you get your hair to do that???? That is the most amazing hair style I have seen a non-hairstylist do. The woman told police that he hair was like that b/c of the sunroof in her car. That is some amazing wind.

There are many mug shots on this site but these were my fave...if I have time to look thru them all I might add some but this is it for now. If I ever get arrested I hope I have a great mug shot.

Random facts

I found this kinda fun little facts sheet so I thought you might enjoy it...plus I am bored as hell...so deal with it.
1. What is your best friend's Mom's name? Um, ?
2. Where is the weirdest place you have a mole? in my clevage area.
3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had? I honestly don't think I have ever thought that one of my teachers were hot...sorry profs
4. Have you ever made out in a movie theater? Sure have
5. What body part do you wash first? I shampoo my hair first
6. Do you hover over the toilet in public bathrooms? YES, if...IF I use a public bathroom at all.
7. What's the strangest talent you have? I can cross my legs so that both feet are on the tops of my thighs and walk across the room on my kneew
8. Do you have an innie or an outtie? Innie
9. What's your favorite flavored Pringles? Sour Cream and Onion
10. Have you ever been tied up? Yes, one morning I was kidnapped by my friends. I woke up to the tying me up and throwing me into the back of a pickup with another tied friend and drove around town for about 30 minutes...in our PJ's. Those were the days.
11. What was the last thing you ever got grounded for? I was "grounded" or keys taken away for coming home about 2 hours later than I should have
12. Do you parallel park or drive around the block? Parallel park if it is closer...I was the only one to pass that on the first try in drivers ed.
13. Have you ever had two dates in one night? I went bowling and out to eat with just me and 4 guys. (However, I was only dating one of them)
14. How many times have you been cussed out? A few times, it happens, life goes on.
15. Which shoe do you put on first? Whichever is closer to reach.
17. Have you ever been to a gay bar? No, am I missing out on something?
18. Girls--should have bigger boobs then guys!
19. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common? Nope, I like variety.
20. Did you French kiss before you were 16? Yes, that is how it has to be.
21. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting? No, even though people think that is all we do where I am from and it is fun to take "city people" snipe-hunting
22. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep? I am selfish, but it is usually myself b/c I am going thru what I need to do the next day
23. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you? Yes I have...and it is wonderful
24. If you had to choose to not ever wash your bed sheets again or not wash your bath towel ever again, which would you rather not wash? Towels, i am already clean after showering. However, I don't always shower before bed sometimes I shower in the morning.
25. Have you ever found anything in your parents' bedroom that was questionable? Never looked into my parents bedroom like that. What kind of creep asked this question?
26. What was your childhood nickname? Pistol Pete, Toad Frog, Noey, Burt. Feel free to add if you know more
27. When is the last time you played the air guitar? About 3 days ago.
28. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sexes locker room? yep, in small towns you use the other teams "opposite" sexes locker room as your locker room if they aren't in there.
29. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving? Changed clothes
30. Have you ever bitten your toenails? When I was little
31. How do you eat your cookie? What kind of cookie? I love cookies but all are eaten differently.
32. When working out at the gym, do you wear a belt? I have never worked out in a gym.
33. Name something you do when you're alone that you wouldn't do in front of others. Sing
36. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk?About 3-4 beers or a couple mixed drinks, I am a light weight
37. Have you ever sniffed an animal's butt? Gross, no, sorry, not in the that.
38. How often do you clean out your ears? Every time I shower...so nearly daily.
39. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? fold
40. About how many times a day do you pick a wedgie? I don't pick it b/c that is where it is supposed to be
41. Do you have any strange phobias? Falling, Mice
42. Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? Kleenex
43. What is the stupidest thing you've ever done at a bar? Only been to a few bars, and honestly can't think of anything stupid that I did...however when my parents took me out for my 21st bday, I was about 3-sheets to the wind and my uncle and I asked these guys if they wanted to play a game of pool. The guys honestly thought we were going to "hustle" them. I could hardly stand up let alone hit the right ball.
44. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted? I don't think I have been "dared" to do anything I regretted. I made my own choices, had fun at the time so no real regrets.
45. Have you ever called your love interest by an ex's name? Nope
46. Have you caught a guy/girl farting while on a date? Don't think so
47. Have you ever played naked Twister? I've played strip twister, but I didn't get naked...everything important was still covered.
48. Have you ever been drunk at work? Maybe from the night before.
49. Have you ever found your date's/lover's brother or sister more attractive? I have dated brothers (not at the same time) so that pry counts huh?
50. Do you want to bring sexy back? I never lost the sexy!!

Let them eat cake

Well, this really doesn't have anything to do with cake. If you are a due process person and believe that criminals should have a lot of rights, you will probably be pissed after reading this...I DON'T CARE! As you know from an earlier blog, Nebraska was trying to do away with the death penalty. Fuck that, it is there for a reason (happily we still have it) and the only thing that I like about Texas is the fact that they know how to use the damn death penalty. They have put 11 death row people to death so far this year (I think that number is right) that is the way it should be done. None of this them sitting in jail for free room and board thanks to us law abiding citizens for years and years...BULLSHIT! Then, Lincoln wants to spend $87.6 million on a new jail. Why do we need a new jail? To house the pieces of shit that should already be put to death. B/c inmates are bitching that they don't have enought room blah blah blah. Shut up, you aren't paying for a damn thing just be happy for what you have bastards. Now I learn that we are planning on pay a man $5,800 plus travel expenses to come and figure out a way to stop inmates from committing suicide while in jail. There have been 3 inmate suicides since 1994. Who cares if they commit suicide, that is less that we have to pay for them. This enrages me I just want to scream. I don't want to spend my tax money on that shit b/c I don't care if they want to end their life, just puts my money towards better things in the long run. And why are you concerned about 3 INMATES in 12 years but there are many more "high schoolers" that commit suicide and you aren't doing much to help them. Get your damn priorities straight.
http://journalstar.com/articles/2007/04/04/news/local/doc46130152bca2b057644234.txt

Trolls have a cousin

Today was a crappy day from the beginning, my boss pulled some tendons in her foot so she was kinda slow, making my job must more busy. Anyway, she had to go to the office so that she could place our order, no big deal right. WRONG! This woman walks up (you will soon understand why I think she may be related to the trolls) and I ask her if I can get her anything. Her answer was "No, I am just looking." Okay then and I go about my business. I start to take whole birds out of the rotiserrie (sp?). Then I turn around and there are 6 high schoolers standing at the hotcase wanting lunch. I walk over.
N: What can I get you?
Girl: Um, can I get a small thing of mac and cheese?
N: Sure. (I get the mac and cheese)
N: Here you are, anything else?
G: Yeah, can I get a glass of water?
N: Okay. (I walk to the other side of the deli to the pop machine to get some water.) Here is your water.
G: Oh yeah, can I get a fork as well.
N: *thinking: Bitch why didn't you ask me for that while I was on the side of the deli that has the forks!!* Yep. (walk to the OTHER side of the deli to get her damn fork).
*First lady who walked up: HEY, I am ready now!
N: Okay, it will be just a moment. (Stupid, there are 5 other people in front of you b/c you couldn't make up your damn mind)
However, the high schoolers let me take care of her first...and here is where the trollitis comes into play
N: What can I get you?
Lady: I want 2 slices of mild cheddar, co-jack, pepper jack, farmers and provolone cheese.
N: (Take not that we wrap out cheese in half pound packages b/c that is usually how people buy them) *Thinking...UGH.* (I unwrap 5 packages of cheese to get her 2 damn pieces of each cheese.) What else can I get you?
L: I also want 2 slices of baby swiss and big eye swiss.
N: *BITCH* (Unwrap 2 more packages to get out 2 pieces of each cheese). Any meats?
L: Yep, I want 4 slices of each meat. I am getting sandwich stuff for my daughter.
N: *Thinking: What the hell? Doesn't your daughter just like a few things does she really need this much variety???????* (Gets 4 slices of 6 different kinds of meat placing each in their own bag b/c god forbid they are the same damn price) Here you are, is that all?
L: Oh, I think so, bye.
* At this point Barb calls me on "green line" to look up a number for the order.*
* Also take note that I still have 5 teens standing at the hotcase waiting for lunch.*
I rush over to the hotcase and get them a total of 7 meals for the 5 of the including 5 drinks, so I have now been from side to side of the deli about 15 times. I go to look where barb said the number would be but it wasn't there. Suddenly another man walks up and wants 5 different salads. I get all that for him and finally find the number that barb is looking for. I call her on "green line" only to see that she didnt' want to wait that long so she just guessed and was already on her way back to the deli.
By now, it is only 11am and I am annoyed as hell with only 5 and a half hours left in my shift...AWWWWW!!! Lunch is busy and not much gets done b/c we have no time. Then we get a call that I have to make 100 pinwheels for the wine tasting tomorrow. No biggy, that will only waste AN HOUR OR TWO OF MY TIME. Happily I am getting them done in a good amount of time when suddenly, the kitchen challenged problem hits me. As I am slicing the pinwheels everything is going well but then, OUCH SHIT! I look down and blood is covering my thumb, the knife and some on the pinwheel that I was cutting at the time. Well, don't have time to deal with it. I wash out the cream cheese and blood, put a bandaide on it, put on a glove, sterilize the knife, throw out the pinwheel I was working on and finish the job. I guess it is just how the day was supposed to go. Oh well, work is over. And hopefully I never see the 2 slice troll cousin lady or I may throw all of her stuff at her when I am done.

Sorry, no trolls.

Since today I had to work at noon, but then got a call not to come in til 1 b/c I had too many hours for the week (and they are too cheap to pay overtime [I own all of the overtime for the store that I work at...now that takes talent]) I was walking in just as the trolls were leaving so I knew it was going to be a different kind of day. It was your ordinary day and we got a lot of well needed cleaning done. Just when I thought that nothing exciting or funny would happen at work tonight I heard this fun story.

Apparently the urinal in the men's bathroom smelled like dying deer. After I got done using the bleach to clean tabletops in the deli, I called Josh to go pour the rest down the horrible smelling urinal, which was requested by another worker. Josh did so and then didn't say much about it when he came back thru my department. However, when I was taking the trash out with Josh he told me that while freshening the urinal he noticed a beer bottle lid on the top of the urinal. His first thought was that someone had stolen some beer. He looked in the trash can where he discovered an empty beer bottle. He then proceeded to go check the alcohol isle to find the bunch of bottles that had one missing. After searching all the beer, he found nothing missing. Where did the beer bottle come from you may ask?! Why, some drunk couldn't go 3 minutes without his beer so he brought it into the store with him so he could continue to fill his bladder while emptying it. Wow, what a clever man.
*AFL: sorry there is not a troll story for today, but hopefully this will tide you over til I can get a new troll story...if not, I guess I can make one up for you.

Piss me off a little

First, I HATE ROAD CONSTRUCTION!!! It is a pain in the ass. And of course they must be working on my route from home to work and home to school. The intersection is bad enough without being dropped down to one lane. I can't even turn right on red at 6am...HELLO there is no one else on the road. So I have to sit thru the whole sequence of light changes. And that is the good time of day to be leaving. Now if I have to work at 3-4pm, there is a ice cubes chance in hell that it will take me less then an hour to drive what usually takes me 15 minutes. The line of cars is honestly about .5 to .75 mile long...all waiting for the light to turn green long enough for 4...yes 4 cars to turn. Ugh. Then on the way back to my apartment, it narrows down to one lane...and the left turn lane, however you have to wait until about 3 car lengths before the light to get into the turn lane. Once you finally get to the turn lane, you can't see around the large machinery to see if it is safe to turn or not. So you have to hold your breath, close your eyes and put the pedal to the medal hoping you get thru unscaved.

Second, I HATE CELL PHONE BATTERIES. My phone battery now has a mind of its own. Sometimes it likes to stay on all day etc and other days it only lasts about an hour. Sometimes, it lets you talk and others it cuts me off mid-sentence. And to top it all off, the F***ing battery is more than I paid for the damn phone. What is wrong with this world??? Stupid price gouging.

Third, STUPID PEOPLE SOMETIMES MAKE ME LAUGH. Here is what happened to a couple of lucky cops...and this is a true story.
The cop gets an early morning phone call on his work cell phone, it is a number that he doesn't recognize but answers it anyway and this is the convo that follows.
C: Hello?
DA (dumbass): Is Tom there?
C: He is not around right now, what did you need?
DA: I was wondering if I could get some meth.
C: Sure, where would you like to meet?
DA: Over by blah blah blah park.
C: Ok, I will meet you there.
* They drive to the park where they met the lady who was all smiles. She took the fake meth and a few minutes later she was in cuffs. How smart can you be to dial the wrong number then talk to someone you don't know and set up a drug deal with them.

Interesting lincoln

In January, something tipped off the police to start looking in an area just outside out town for the body of a person who had disappeared 12 years ago. About a week after starting the search, they recovered the body wrapped in a black trash bag. They finally solved who the remains belonged to, a 15 year old girl. She wasn't a run away, she just suddenly dissapeared from her house one night. Why would it take them 12 years to find the remains that happened to be just about 20 feet or so off the road. They believe that she was killed shortly after disappearing so she hasn't been living then just suddenly killed. Where has her body been for the last 12 years. And how did it just suddenly show up? The man that they believe is the suspect is currently in jail b/c of another murder that he committed. How would he have covered up the remains for this long then decide to dispose of the remains? That kind of confuses me, so does that mean that someone else is involved. Hopefully we find out soon, I sure as hell don't want the other person (if there is one) to be running around waiting for the next victim.

Then, Wedn. night around 7pm, a man was walking the shore of a local lake looking for fishing lures and...whoops, there's a dead body. He was a black man with no shoes or wallet, blue shirt, green pants, white socks, black moustache, receding hairline, and a gap in his teeth. At the time, they had no idea who he was, how he got there, why he was there, what happened to him, when he got there, anything, they had no idea. Thankfully, his fingerprints helped identify him. Now they have another huge task. Examining 5595 acres of the State park and 1800 acres are water. Sounds like a good time to me. Maybe I will ask if they would like me to help, b/c I would jump at the chance. Ok, so they pry aren't going to let me help since I am not at all qualified but it is wishful thinking.

This is the most excitement in Lincoln for quite a few months so I am planning on staying on top of these stories...YIPPY!!