What I've been up to

Yes, I understand that I have been MIA for the last few days. Well, excuse me for having a life. HA, just kidding I have no life but I like to think I do. Really, I was a POW and it will pry continue for the rest of the week but I will explain that later in this blog. First, I am going to go thru all the reasons AFL thought I have been MIA and explain them.
1. "I shacked up with the Security Guard again." Actually, I have no idea where this said security guard has gone. I haven't seen him for about...hmmm...well since the last time I talked about him. Maybe he was taken back to Mexico where he belongs. (Shit did I just say that outloud? Damn it now I am going to HELL!)
2. "Mighty D made it to Lincoln." Well, he may have but since I know nothing about what he looks like, age, nothing...he could have been any of the worthless creeps that were honking at me today while I was on my damn walk. I don't go on these walks looking good. I go looking like shit. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HONKING AT ME. No you don't need to take a triple take, keep your eyes on the road. If you wreck don't expect we to give you mouth to mouth so watch where you are going.
3. "I've fallen and I can't get up" Actually, I did "biff" it at work on Monday so I am a little banged up but I can still walk. That one goes out the window...NEXT.
4. "I'm crawling around on the floor looking for my sippy cup." Shit, after this week I am going to need about 3000 sippy cups.
5. "I found the short short boy on the walking trail and duct taped his weenie, but accidently tapped myself to his crotch and are being drug all over the walking path."
I wish I would have seen him today that would have been a highlight. However, if I would have taped myself to his crotch...he has a mighty strong crotch, he must do crotch exercises. And if he would have just drug me around instead of helping me, I would have given him the "Loretta Bobet" treatment and CUT HIS LITTLE PECKER OFF!
6. "I'm washing out condoms I found on the trails." I went back to look for them today but I think that the rains washed them into the "shit" creek. I couldn't find them. The tampon survived but the condoms didn't. Underlying meaning...women are stronger then men. Sorry guys that is just the way it is...it is the rules.
7. "I'm trolling." Well, I wasn't kidnapped by them thank god, but I have seen them everyday this week. It was like x-mas for them this week, they always get 2 slices of yellow american cheese, but it was on sale this week so they have gotten 4 slices everyday. Yippy for them. I have seen one of them crying 2 of the 4 days this week. Why you ask? HELL IF I KNOW, I don't ask them questions because I am afraid that if they talk I will die of the stinch of their breath. Seeing them so much this week has made me start to try to figure them out. I got one question answered. The reason that they always come in every day is because they don't have a fridge therefore they can only buy enough parishable food for one day becuase they have nowhere to keep it. DAMN I AM GOOD!
8. "I'm playing hide and seek with myself and can't find myself." There are actually some pretty good places to hide so I was testing them out for the next time that I do play hide and seek. Then I pretended to be other people who couldn't find me. After sitting alone, soaked from the rain, cold and hungry I decided that I would never play with the people I was pretending to be becuase I wouldn't be patient enough to wait for their stupid asses to find me. I then came home and ate some ice cream.
9. "I got lost geocaching" Actually this is possible. Sometimes you forget to mark where the car is parked and spend more time looking for the car than you did looking for the fucking cache. Shit happens when you are a dumbass I guess.
10. "I don't love her anymore." Ok, she knows that I still love her an always will so that one is for sure out the window.

Now, here is where I have really been. We will start with Sunday so you get a background.
Sunday: At work, I took an order to cater for 50 people about $400 or so. It is set for this coming Sunday. No biggy, I will have to work to get everything ready for it and deliver it becuase Barb and I are the only ones in our department allowed to drive the new van. However, the schedule has already been made so my 1 extra hour is already going to be used up before the week even starts. *I only get 40 hours a week before overtime and if you get overtime, you get shot on the spot.*
Monday: I get order ready for our paper products and ask Barb to place food order b/c she has the inventory list. I then take an order for 260 pieces of chicken and some side fixings. About $600 for Tuesday at 1130 am. I then run around like a chicken with my head cut off to find some stuff that was stollen that we need to finish inventory. I realize invoices have been eaten by goats and I spend 45 minutes cusing at these fucking goats. Barb comes in and realizes that she forgot to place her part of the order. Do that real quick and start to get stuff ready for Tuesday's catering.
Tuesday: I come in at 7am to help with the catering, we fry chicken for 4 hours non-stop. It is supposed to be my day off and I am now stressing...only 2 days into this weeks schedule...about not getting overtime. Yippy that means I get one day off this week. How great.
Wednsday: I come to work as usual, get everything done. Amanda and I rock when we work together even though we take our time doing everything. We have a meeting and the only thing I can focus on is this red blob that seems to be growing out of the inner corner of one of my co-workers eye. *Gag* No worries, I didn't really need to listen b/c I am the assistant damn it. Went to another store to get some popcorn for our store and talked with our old store director...man I miss him. Go back to our store to whiny old crow.
Thursday: I get a call at 10am. Barb asks if I can come in so she can place an order. Wonder to myself why person there with Barb can't work alone for 15 minutes like usual but brush it off. Go to work only to find out that other person got hit by a driver who ran a stoplight. The other driver then drove away. Why? My guess is because they were an illegal alien who had no driver's license, car license (no plates), no insurance and would have been shipped back to mexico where he belongs. Co-worker=F-ed up car and a strained muscle in neck because she is too stupid to wear her damn seatbelt.
So, there fore I have been MIA because I have been a POW. A Prisoner of WORK. Yep, everyday this damn week is when I will be working so when I am not at work I am trying to catch up on things that I didn't get done when I usually do b/c I don't have that free time this week. FUCK WORK!

Oooo, the things that annoy me (at work)

For the most part, I enjoy my job. There are customers that just make my day when they come in, however there are also those who royally PISS ME OFF. These assholes enjoy coming in early in the morning in order to screw my day from the start. Then if I start to get a little better, the TROLLS come in and make me want to rip my hair out.***
1. DO NOT come in at 6:30 and expect me to be cheerful when you ask me to special cut you some lunchmeat. WE DON'T OPEN TIL 7! Walk around and come back in 30 minutes.
2. DO NOT ask me to make an entire pot of decaf coffee. I will end up wasting over 40 cups because no one else besides you wants any. What the hell is the point of coffee with no CAFFINE??? And IF I make you the coffee BUY MORE THAN 12 FUCKING OUNCES.
3. DON'T make me open a new package of meat when I just opened one 10 minutes ago. The meat is not bad...I JUST OPENED IT. Be happy that I cut it special for you anyway.
4. Don't come to my department and ask me to slice a ham that you bought for the meat department. THEY WILL DO IT IF YOU ASK THEM TOO. It is taking my time and my departments hours for another department...yes it will piss me off. However, since I am such a great worker I will do it for you. BUT BITCH IF YOU ASK ME TO DO IT AGAIN AND YOU ONCE AGAIN DO NOT SAY THANK YOU I WILL NEVER EVER EVER DO IT FOR YOU FAT ASS AGAIN.
5. If there are 10 people at the hot case don't expect to be in and out in 10 seconds. The people in front of you will want everything just right. Take a deep breath and deal with it.
6. If you are a bitch to me...I will be a bitch to you! If you talk to me like I am a 2 year old...I will talk to you the same way. That is just how I am.
7. Do not turn into the trolls. Do not ask for 45 cents of mac and cheese. Don't ask if the mac and cheese is plain. IT IS THE SAME EVERY FUCKING DAY! Don't ask for me to open a new package of bologna so I can slice you a piece worth 25 cents I WON'T DO IT! Don't ask for beef and noodles but without the beef, I will not pick every piece of meat out for you. And finally (today's occurrance) you walk up to the case every day and when we ask you what you want you say you are just looking. You then come back later. DO NOT get pissed when we don't walk up to you right away, we know you are going to say you are looking and you will be back. Then when you do come back, don't sneak your skinny little smelly ass up to the counter and start yelling at me that you need help. I WILL YELL BACK.
T: HEY HEY I NEED YOU TO GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
N: YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU JUST WALKED UP AND I DIDN'T SEE YOU. YOU WEREN'T EVEN STANDING THERE FOR 5 SECONDS SO YOU CAN JUST HOLD ON UNTIL I FINISH WHAT I AM DOING AND NEVER TALK TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN OR I WILL NOT BE HELPING YOU!
T: Oh, okay.
8. Don't talk to me like I don't know what I am talking about. I AM THE FUCKING ASSISTANT MANAGER, YOU DON'T EVEN WORK HERE. I am pretty sure I know my deli a lot better than you do so shut the hell up.
9. Think about the question you are going to ask before you ask it. It will save you from looking like a complete dumbass and it will save me from wanting to scream WHAT THE HELL KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT???
10. To top off my day, I had to make a sign for "Tropical Days" a week long sale that we have going on. Making this sign left my hands looking like the care bears took a shit in my hands. I have every color of paing on them and it doesn't wash right off.
The list goes on and on but this is all that I have for right now. I will be adding as need be.

Trolls have a cousin

Today was a crappy day from the beginning, my boss pulled some tendons in her foot so she was kinda slow, making my job must more busy. Anyway, she had to go to the office so that she could place our order, no big deal right. WRONG! This woman walks up (you will soon understand why I think she may be related to the trolls) and I ask her if I can get her anything. Her answer was "No, I am just looking." Okay then and I go about my business. I start to take whole birds out of the rotiserrie (sp?). Then I turn around and there are 6 high schoolers standing at the hotcase wanting lunch. I walk over.
N: What can I get you?
Girl: Um, can I get a small thing of mac and cheese?
N: Sure. (I get the mac and cheese)
N: Here you are, anything else?
G: Yeah, can I get a glass of water?
N: Okay. (I walk to the other side of the deli to the pop machine to get some water.) Here is your water.
G: Oh yeah, can I get a fork as well.
N: *thinking: Bitch why didn't you ask me for that while I was on the side of the deli that has the forks!!* Yep. (walk to the OTHER side of the deli to get her damn fork).
*First lady who walked up: HEY, I am ready now!
N: Okay, it will be just a moment. (Stupid, there are 5 other people in front of you b/c you couldn't make up your damn mind)
However, the high schoolers let me take care of her first...and here is where the trollitis comes into play
N: What can I get you?
Lady: I want 2 slices of mild cheddar, co-jack, pepper jack, farmers and provolone cheese.
N: (Take not that we wrap out cheese in half pound packages b/c that is usually how people buy them) *Thinking...UGH.* (I unwrap 5 packages of cheese to get her 2 damn pieces of each cheese.) What else can I get you?
L: I also want 2 slices of baby swiss and big eye swiss.
N: *BITCH* (Unwrap 2 more packages to get out 2 pieces of each cheese). Any meats?
L: Yep, I want 4 slices of each meat. I am getting sandwich stuff for my daughter.
N: *Thinking: What the hell? Doesn't your daughter just like a few things does she really need this much variety???????* (Gets 4 slices of 6 different kinds of meat placing each in their own bag b/c god forbid they are the same damn price) Here you are, is that all?
L: Oh, I think so, bye.
* At this point Barb calls me on "green line" to look up a number for the order.*
* Also take note that I still have 5 teens standing at the hotcase waiting for lunch.*
I rush over to the hotcase and get them a total of 7 meals for the 5 of the including 5 drinks, so I have now been from side to side of the deli about 15 times. I go to look where barb said the number would be but it wasn't there. Suddenly another man walks up and wants 5 different salads. I get all that for him and finally find the number that barb is looking for. I call her on "green line" only to see that she didnt' want to wait that long so she just guessed and was already on her way back to the deli.
By now, it is only 11am and I am annoyed as hell with only 5 and a half hours left in my shift...AWWWWW!!! Lunch is busy and not much gets done b/c we have no time. Then we get a call that I have to make 100 pinwheels for the wine tasting tomorrow. No biggy, that will only waste AN HOUR OR TWO OF MY TIME. Happily I am getting them done in a good amount of time when suddenly, the kitchen challenged problem hits me. As I am slicing the pinwheels everything is going well but then, OUCH SHIT! I look down and blood is covering my thumb, the knife and some on the pinwheel that I was cutting at the time. Well, don't have time to deal with it. I wash out the cream cheese and blood, put a bandaide on it, put on a glove, sterilize the knife, throw out the pinwheel I was working on and finish the job. I guess it is just how the day was supposed to go. Oh well, work is over. And hopefully I never see the 2 slice troll cousin lady or I may throw all of her stuff at her when I am done.

Chicken, Cow, or Bull??

Today at work I had to make our "special" chicken salad b/c we just started making it and I am one of the only 2 who know how to make it. While making it, I have to "pick" chicken, which is where you take the skin and bones off the whole roaster chickens for those who don't know. Amanda and I ended up having an interesting conversation...that went something like this.
N: Sometimes I feel kinda violent when I am picking chicken.
A: Why? The chickens are already dead...and cooked!
N: Well I know, but I just rip it's back off, then tear its legs off, strip it naked, and pull it's boobies apart...only to chop the meat into salad.
A: Yeah, I wouldn't want to be a chicken.
N: If there is an after-life, I don't want to be a chicken or a cow.
A: Huh?
N: Think about it, you are raised to be eaten...that is all.
A: Yeah, I don't think I would like that either...and that is pretty much the only outcome.
N: Cows just walk around in their own poo, eating, chewing cud and pooping....yuck.
A: But being a bull wouldn't be too bad b/c then you just get to have sex all the time with any cow you want.
N: Oh, good point...but if I was a bull I would want to be a rodeo bull, they get treated real great...as far as farm animals go I think.

And that my friends is what we talked about tonight. So, if you had to choose b/tw the three which would you be?